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Tess Sweet

Interview by Peter Landau

There’s a woman named Tess Sweet and she’s on a mission. Sex is her mission. And she preaches the good word on her workout tape Sweet Moves. The thirty-minute sexercise video promises to turn you into a rock star in bed.

Interested in getting your sexual organs in shape? Visit Sweet’s website, www.sweetmoves.com. But there’s more to her than a well-toned sex machine. Sweet also hosts a sex-themed variety show called Sex Pro TV and is shopping a Sweet Moves book.

Sweet, always the physical enthusiast, was interviewed as she briskly walked around a lake in Oakland, California, where her show is broadcast on cable access. So exercise any muscle you like as she exposes the sexy guests who reveal themselves on her program, what it’s like to have the world see the inside of your vagina while you’re masturbating, and, naturally, how to have sex like a rock star.

You teach people how to be a rock star in bed, but what does that mean--choking on your own vomit?
I’m actually working on the book right now and that’s the chapter I’m writing, the definition of bedroom rock star. Basically, it’s somebody who’s super-confident in bed. Being sexy is an inside job. It’s not necessarily about how you look or having that perfect body; it’s walking tall and feeling good about your body. Definitely flexibility helps, and stamina. We’ve done a lot of research and it’s a proven fact that people who are in shape and people who exercise have more sex and have better sex.

What qualifies you to give these lessons?
I’ve been doing sex education for many years. However, fitness is kind of new to me. If you actually watch the video, I don’t teach all the segments. The premise is that me and all my friends want to be better in bed, so we go around to a group of experts who are showing us some moves. So I’m learning as the audience is, and that’s sort of what makes it appealing to people, I think. They don’t feel like they have to be perfect and know all the moves.

What moves are you talking about?
Normally when you watch an exercise video there’s one person in the front row, the instructor, and all the people behind who look perfect, and they already know all the moves. Our video isn’t really like that.

And the moves are--they’re definitely exercise moves, but they’re exercises that are geared towards strengthening and toning the muscles that are used during sex. There’s a lot of squats, a lot of pelvic thrusts, and different kinds of hip rotations. And we also cover one area that no exercise video that I know ever has, and that’s the kegel exercises. There’s an actual part of the workout, about ten minutes long, where all the exercises that you’re doing are below the belt. We illustrate that tastefully with animation, there’s no nudity in the video. It’s definitely adult, it’s just not porn.

You also host something called Sex Pro TV. Where can that be seen?
Hopefully you’ll be able to see it on a cable network soon. It’s been cable access for about three years, but I put that on hold--producing more episodes--until we can actually get it bought. It’s too much work and not enough money. It’s been on San Francisco Cable Access and Berkeley Cable Access and we have a small cult following.

What I did was about a year ago I switched gears to focusing on Sweet Moves because it’s a lucrative project. It’s selling well. I know about small business. I don’t have any experience with television yet. When I tried to go sell the program to Showtime and HBO I got a whole lot of, “Oh, we won’t talk to you unless you’re an agent or a lawyer.” I’m neither of those things. I’m learning as I go. Hopefully as I run into more people and they see my resumé and Sweet Moves is more successful, I think that it’ll be a lot easier to get Sex Pro on TV for real.

What are some highlights from the show?
We have guest sex educators on the show. We have a really fun segment called “Craft Box”, where we do sexy crafts à la Martha Stewart. On the first episode we made ornaments, you know, ornaments out of porn. Triple-penetration with a springtime theme, a little bit of glitter, Sex Pro aprons, it’s very Martha Stewart.

We did the make-your-own-dildo kit. A real couple came and did that. That was really cool. In addition, we have variety acts like male strippers. I had a guy strip while he was on a pogo stick to some French rock. He strips down to a pink-glitter G-string while he’s pogoing on a pogo stick. It’s pretty phenomenal.

Then we always have a band, kind of like Saturday Night Live. I think of [the show] as a kind of adult version of Saturday Night Live, because we also have parody commercials for products like Twinkle Twat. Like I said, we have a band every episode, but the band has to play a song that’s about sex.

Any bands I may have heard?
Probably not yet, no big, huge names--one band named the Beanweevils, they did a song called “Magic Vagina”. We’ve also had Kitten on the Keys, she’s king of big on the burlesque circuit. She plays piano and sings songs while using a vibrator at the same time.

And, also, I do sex-toy reviews. Every episode we review different sex toys, like the Penis Telephone, the Remote Control Butt-Plug, the vibrator that’s a video camera. You probably saw that one on my website.

Yes, I saw the inside of your vagina.
That’s right!

While you were masturbating. You won’t see that on The David Letterman Show. But what about you, that is beyond playing with yourself, what’s your background?
I started working at Toys in Babeland about seven years ago. I just sort of walked in off the street and it was love at first sight. I’d never seen anything like that, an adult store that was geared more towards women, art on the walls, inviting, cool scriptural vibrators displayed really artistically. I just loved the place. They hired me, and you get to know a lot of sex toys. You get to know what the customers want. I’d hear all these amazing stories. And I also saw the niche, because there’s a demand for instructional adult videos. And I have to say that the quality doesn’t really exist. I saw how well they sold and rented and I thought to myself that I could make a better one.

At Toys in Babeland we would teach these workshops, like Strap-On Seduction: How to Strap on a Dildo or How to Fuck Your Boyfriend Up the Ass or Clit Tricks: Guide to Oral Sex. We’d have these workshops and they were so fun. I saw the desire people had. Everybody wants to talk about sex in an open, light-hearted manner that’s tasteful. I just saw the demand and how important it was, especially with the element of humor. Out of the instructors, I used humor more than some of the other teachers. I saw that worked quite well.

Is there a sexual line that you won’t cross?
Yeah, I’d say so. I’m interested in having real people on my show. It’s not all about porn stars and looking perfect. Like the couple that we had doing the make-your-own-dildo kit, they were not necessarily what you’d think of as a sexy-looking couple, but they were real. We caught that authenticity on tape and I think that’s part of the appeal. People like it.

In terms of lines I won’t cross, it really has to do with my aesthetic. I’m just not really into the whole S/M leather world. It’s just to me very predictable. I’m trying to do something new that’s more about pink and glitter and light-hearted fun stuff and not so much the dark side.