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Beautiful Girls 17
DVD review by CPO Sinkhole
Beautiful Girls 17 (Evil Angel)
Director: Christoph Clark
Cast: Angel Dark, Simone Peach, Elen Saint, Liliane Tiger, Lucie Foxxx, Nika, Pamela, Jean-Yves LeCastel, Franco Roccaforte, Philippe Dean, Nick Lang, Greg Centauro, Robert Rosenberg
SexWrecks.com presents, “What Beautiful Girls REALLY Want,” with your host, CPO Sinkhole.
Based on information I’ve gathered by watching this DVD, I think I now know what beautiful girls REALLY want! Believe me, the info you can glean from a product emblazoned with the words “All Anal, 5 DPs!” on the cover is just as legit and credible as any five paragraphs gargled from the piehole of Dr. Phil himself.
I hate to be the one to tell you, guys, but you’ve been going about this all wrong. You don’t know what beautiful girls want . . . and I DO.
Don’t believe me? Well, Mr. Doubting “Clarence” Thomas, let me break it down for you. These are some of the KEY misunderstandings that have cropped up repeatedly in our dealings with so-called “Beautiful Girls”. Read my advice and you too can learn not to fuck it all up when in close proximity with one of these alluring creatures!
MISCONCEPTION #1: Beautiful girls are unapproachable, and they don’t like to be disturbed from their assorted beautiful-girl activities by potential suitors.
THE REALITY: While it appears at first blush that Elen Saint and Liliane Tiger are far too preoccupied with each other’s Swiss Miss Hot Pink Snack-Paks to answer the door, the truth is, they actually DO want some company! Don’t be shy, just walk in the front door, don’t bother knocking! I don’t hear Jean-Yves LeCastel or Phillippe Dean knocking, do you? But look how happy these beautiful girls are to meet the acquaintance of such sharp-dressed men! Look at all the reverse cowgirl, all the anal assaults, the obvious relish with which the ladies devour the tubesteak, and then tell me that bringing flowers and waiting passively at the door was really your best course of action!
When in doubt, JUST BARGE IN. Kick down the door, and say something European-sounding, like “Shut up! I already took a shower last week!” For your audacity and questionable hygiene, your beautiful girl will profusely thank you later. In bed. Or on the couch. Or in the alley behind Nick’s Uptown.
MISCONCEPTION #2: Women who look like Brooke Burke (or some Euro-facsimile thereof) don’t do certain things. It’s just not lady-like. Don’t even THINK of asking to borrow her stink-hole for some idle target practice. She’s not interested. Wait until you can see her instead on Showtime’s “Gals Getting Kind of Naked and Pretending to Have Sex, but in Really Unappealing and Illogical Ways. In Slow-Motion.” Maybe in five years, she’ll have a brief cameo in an orgy scene in the kind of scrubbed-out flick you can get after-hours in your hotel. Maybe.
THE REALITY: Um, hello, Angel Dark? In TWO scenes? DPs, gapes, strap-on anal delivered to her fellow femme Simone Peach?!?! What is going on here? Why are they in a hospital? Why does that bed squeak so much? I don’t know, but I do know this: However kinky you think your fantasies are, the fantasies of your run-of-the-mill everyday beautiful girl make you and your “dirty thoughts” read like the unedited memoirs of G. Gordon Liddy. With footnotes.
STEP UP TO THE GRAVY PIPE AND RE-READ JUSTINE. NOW.
MISCONCEPTION #3: If a beautiful girl that you’ve brought home seems mystified by the appearance of a large schlong in front of her, you should take it at face value and not push the issue. She’s probably never seen one of those before. End the evening’s sexual shenanigans early and take her out for a Hansom Cab ride instead. Or maybe some Baskin Robbins.
THE REALITY: Well, if you’re dating the one-name Pamela, I’d say let this DVD be your textbook. She can only keep up that “Oh my, what is that” routine for about 20 seconds max before the corn-chute opens up to about the size of . . . well, an ear of corn. And not one of those little novelty ears of Indian Corn you see at Thanksgiving either! (Actually, yeah, just about the size of an ear of Indian corn.) Just wait this little routine out . . . she’ll tire of it after about the fifth round of “Oh meeester, it’s just too beeeg! I donne know wat to doo weeeth eet!” and put her mouth to other uses. Trust me, I should know . . . it’s never happened to me, but I have it on good authority from Jean-Yves that this is how it ALWAYS works. Just wait it out. Keep your schlong out, but feel free to have a bowl of soup or work on the Junior Jumble in the meantime. Believe me (or believe Jean-Yves), good things cum to those who wait.
I hope this true and accurate (not to mention completely false and inaccurate) guide to dealing with beautiful girls has served you well.
Now if you’ll excuse me, this self-appointed Master of Beautiful Girls has to go and take his frozen pizza out of the oven before I enjoy another Saturday night alone on the couch with porno. Ciao!
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