Nudity Content Must Be Over 18

XXX DVDs.

They pile up. Our man with a mop sorts them out.

Reviews by CPO Sinkhole

Beautiful Girls 18 (Evil Angel)
Director: Christoph Clark
Cast: Veronica Vanoza, Angelina Crow, Lora Craft, Lucy Love, Vanessa Hill, Choky Ice, Greg Centauro, Jean-Yves LeCastel, Ian Scott

The beautiful girls are on the loose again. They’re the type of girls that that make you weep from both heads. The type of girls that have to pay for shipping but not handling. The type of girls that have never heard the word “no” from an attractive suitor. And, as it turns out, the type of girls that love to take the sausage steamship from bow to stern into their beautiful girl love-tunnels.

Any of the six girls in the five scenes here are tits and top-hats above the average pimply-assed crackenstein you get when you make the mistake of renting whatever your friends recommend while sniggering uncontrollably. However, it’s not Lucy Love’s bookish sultriness, or Lora Croft’s girl-next-door-with-heinously-hot-heinie come-hither look that I remember most. Nope, the gal that turns my tailpipe into a hands-on history of never-to-be-seen future generations of Sinkholes is a gal that is already destined for the “where are they now” bin.

Looking upon the visage of seemingly one-time-only Euro-scorcher Veronica Vanoza is like looking into the sun, except instead of burning your retinas, you get a big boner. The woman looks like she just stepped out of the pages of Uber-Icy European Runway Model with Impossibly Perfect Tittays Monthly, all full-up with impossible figure, terse crew-cut hairdo, and Jolie-ian lips, ready to take a full measure of Choky Ice’s Tastee Freez (incidentally, is it just me, or does Choky Ice sound like the name of some post-USSR Russian gangster?). From photo-shoot to pool-pounding, Vanoza has redefined the concept of the beautiful girl in porno, polished it to a blindingly buff sheen, and then stuck it up her ass, just for a laugh. However, looking at the Evil Angel website, this appears to be the only scene she ever did (at least for them). Curses!

Beautiful girls come and go, but some stick around long enough to take a lifetime of ass-waxings (Vanessa Hill and Lucy Love should be no strangers to the lube-n-launch set), while others burn out fast, like a P.E. sufferer in an ill-fitting cock-ring (anyone remember Delilah from Nice Rack 8?). But for all the melodrama, just realize that, in the greater sense, Beautiful Girls are forever (19 and 20 are already in stores, and 21 is just around the corner, if you’re looking for something for the festive onanist on your list), and as long as Christoph is around to put them in front of the camera, all of your salty, clammy, essence-draining dreams will come true (cue Jiminy Cricket to sing the closing credits).

*

Darkko’s Anal Showdown (Evil Angel)
Director: Jonni Darkko
Cast: Katja Kassin, Lauren Phoenix, Sandra Romain, Katrina Kraven, Mark Davis, John Dough, Mark Ashley, Steve Taylor

Standing atop two opposite hills straddling a sleepy, unsuspecting, yet horny town (probably Canoga Park), two figures stare each other down. They both want the same thing, the prestigious title of “fastest ass” and they know what needs to be done to get it. They throw some threats, shake some booty, and swoop down on the town below, ready to get what’s theirs by God and federal mandate.

Darrko’s Anal Showdown starts nothing like this…actually, we just get a few shots of Katja Kassin and Lauren Phoenix boppin’ around in boxing gloves and little else…but the spaghetti western lover in me likes to imagine the Slut With No Name, ridin’ hard (salami) into a new town and puttin’ up wet (pussy) for each and every ranch-hand that wants to lend a hand, tongue, dick or dildo to the new girl in town.

In the style of a true duel, each cunt-testant attempts to best the other in three different categories: solo/tease/masturbation, girl-girl, and guy-guy-girl. In general, Katja offers hotter action (particularly in girl-girl), but Lauren just LOOKS better while coming in second. Katja’s pairing with Sandra Romain results in some outta-sight ass-play, two great back-shelves on display. Strangely, the minute Lauren is paired with Katrina Kraven, she suddenly goes all white-trash. The two rip and tear at each other with a fury usually reserved for Springer’s guests.

Both guy-guy-girl scenes are visually appealing – Katja goes old-school and takes on disturbing shaved-head bros Mark Davis and John Dough, while Lauren’s dynamic duo (Mark Ashley and Steve Taylor) look more like New Wave Night at the local Tap & Cork. Again, Katja takes DPs like few others since before the revisionist take on the ‘70s…back when people fucked on camera because they dug it (and when you could see DPs, fisting, pissing, etc. – try finding an original print of Barbara Broadcast!), not because you could build up your 401k and your cred by doing so. Lauren is no slouch either, and…well, let’s face it, when someone as hot as her is pulling double-duty, it’s fucking NEWS.

The winner is/was determined by votes on Jonni Darrko’s website. Whatever…I’m about as interested in the “hard facts” of this showdown as you, probably. The take-home messages to remember are: glass butt-plugs, trashy girl-girl, and more backdoor double-stuffs than the rejects pile at an Oreo cookie factory. Everything after that is just bean counting (I’ll leave it up to you to construct the perfect “hanging chad” joke).

*

Jules Jordan’s Take No Prisoners (2DVD Edition) (Evil Angel)
Director: Jules Jordan
Cast: Nikki Benz, Keri Sable, Brittany Skye, Taylor Rain, Alexis Malone, Mary Jane, Sativa Rose, Jules Jordan, Mark Wood, Arnold, Travis Knight, Kurt Lockwood, Mick Blue

Alright, maggot, on your knees! Face down! Shut up and listen!! You’ve got too much money laying around. Don’t try to cover it up…I can see that bulge in your back pocket! You’ve been a bad porno consumer, hording your paychecks on things like food and shelter and…wait a minute…did you actually use that money to go out on a DATE?!?! That’s it, ENOUGH! Take your baby-sized wad of dead presidents and haul it over to your nearest dirty video store and buy something that’ll REALLY make you want to crawl around on your hands and knees!!! Do it, worm!

Okay, I’m sorry about all that yelling; you know I don’t really think of you as a worm. It’s just that Jules Jordan’s Take No Prisoners has me all fired up with power and domination, scolding and stroking, parrying and thrusting, and lots and lots of non-stick bondage tape. It’s nearly four hours (plus a half hour of bonus footage) on 2 DVDs, which will give your captor plenty of time to make it to the next state before you bother to wiggle out of your ropes and get to a phone to call the police.

A triad of tollops with long blond hair, blue eyes, and the kind of balconies that you could do Shakespeare from start the disc. Nikki Benz puts a bend or two into director Jordan’s “political prisoner”; Keri Sable deals with the indignity of being blindfolded, chained, and stuffed with a pair of mushroom-shaped interrogation devices; and Brittany Skye, looking quite au courant in her all red bondage-tape ensemble, goes the limit for a pair of DP bandits. Taylor Rain closes the first disc off like her namesake – a short, fresh rainshower to wash away all the sticky situations we’ve seen so far.

Disc two only has two scenes (both extended and worthwhile), as well as the bonus material. Alexis Malone plays less than nice with her stud, while on the other side of town, Mary Jane and Sativa Rose brandish automatic weapons in the face of some poor dignitary, taking him to their lair for a hood-rat ho-down. The twin trollops really get up in his face, playing their strengths to the hilt (of his dick).

Take No Prisoners…and while you’re at it, Accept No Substitutes, Post No Bills, Take No Wooden Nickels, and Buy No Wine Before Its Time. But mostly, I want you to take this DVD set, pay the ransom (sticker price), and take it home with you, so that you can torture your OWN personal political prisoner for as long as your sadistic heart desires. Happy flogging!

*

Slam It! In Her Ass (Evil Angel)
Director: Macondo
Cast: Lucy Lee, Renee Pornero, Jennifer Dark, Elizabeth, Vicky Sin, Maria Sun, some uncredited dudes

Slam it in her ass! Go on, do it! Slam it! You know, IT!! You know, the Oscar Meyer Foot-Long Tube Steak! The Amorous Armadillo! The Gallopin’ Groin Goblin!! You know what I’m talking about…now SLAM IT! These gals are begging for it! They cry! They weep! They come to you on their knees for the privilege of taking you and your Industrial Grade Garden Weasel all up inside! And if you’ve got a friend who might want to help out, bring him too!

Six gals! Five scenes! More DP than you’ve ever seen on a Harmony release!! Maria Sun! One minute she’s getting her picture taken, the next minute, she’s taking a pitcher of cum! Vicky Sin! Renee Pornero! Two of the hottest fucks since that time you stuck your dick in Mrs. Butterworth’s Pancake Griddle, together in the same scene! Two guys, two gals, 16 flavors of friction!

You get five whole scenes like this! Imagine a pig in blanket! Then imagine two pigs in two blankets, nuzzling right next to each other! It’s just like that! Slam those pigs! Slam them…into a couple of blankets!! Slam you pig! Slam it…into a Kleenex!! Buy this DVD! Slam your money on the cabinet, and say “I’ll take it, Mr. Porno Dealer!!” Then Mr. Porno Dealer will be able to slam some presents for his kids underneath the Christmas tree! Happy Slamming, everyone, and a happy new year (of slamming)!

*

John Leslie’s The Voyeur 29 (Evil Angel)
Director: John Leslie
Cast: Angel Dark, Simony Diamond, Lora Croft, Liz Honey, Mya Diamond, Black Diamond, Sue Diamond, Andy Brown, George Reno, James Brossman, Leslie Taylor, Roly Reeves, Nick Lang, Lauro Giotto, Dominic

You’d think that John Leslie would be running out of windows to peek into, but 29 volumes later, he’s still finding a closet of his own to hide in while people fuck each others brains out in the adjoining bedroom. This time, though, the voyeur angle is being downplayed in favor of an “after-hours” approach. It’s more like we’ve got an all-access pass to the “Rectums Run Wild” after-party than a clear peep-hole into the showers at Cornhole U.

The action veers between two locations: a quiet, bucolic home, complete with bedroom and shower (what other rooms do you need in porno?), and a strip club in the off-hours. Some of the ladies (especially the dementedly hot Simony Diamond) look like they’re dressed to go to work at some alternate-reality Hooters, so put down those wings and pick up some wet wipes, cuz the white stuff on the corner of your hostess’s lips isn’t ranch dressing!

Every scene here is flawless, and features gorgeous women getting plugged like a fake nickel in the heart of the depression, but two scenes in particular brought my eyeglass prescription down to the level of “extremely myopic gopher.” Taking place in some anonymous Victorian-style bedroom, one scene features the a man who I suspect will get the cover of Time’s “Luckiest Motherfucker of the Year” award, enjoying the briny starfishes of three tiny tarts, Lora Croft, Liz Honey, and Andy Brown. Sure, it’s not a free for all – sometimes the girls break off into focus (on each other’s snatches) groups to discuss the deeper meaning of the (penile) material, but at the end of it all, the dude gets to poke three of the hottest ladies in the Evil Angel stable in a period of about 20 minutes. And that, my friends, is why they call him Mr. Lucky.

The tenacious tag team of Angel Dark and Sue Diamond turn the heat up in some deserted strip club (the flick’s tag line is “Private Casting Party Pt. 6”), showing off toned, tight torsos, and asses built for XL invaders. Don’t expect to see this kind of action on “annoying sex-pos couples get in free” night.

To a master voyeur from a master baiter, I say hats off to you, John Leslie! You’ve made me a happy, sleepy, sticky man. Now go forth and make it an even 30.

*

Christoph Clark’s Euro Angels Hardball 25 (Evil Angel)
Director: Christoph Clark
Cast: Pamela, Lucy Anne, Trinity, Lucie, Jean-Yves LeCastel, Franco Roccaforte, Greg Centauro, Robert Rosenberg, Ian Scott, Roly Reeves, Nick Lang

It’s only been a little over a month since we were carving our Halloween Jack-O-Lanterns, hasn’t it? That’s probably why seeing the opening image of piledriver power-player Pamela “expanding her outback territories” reminds me of the top of a pumpkin being opened up: a big mushy hole awaiting the arrival of a festive candle or two. Because this is Christoph Clark we’re talking about, the gape is so ripe it could turn a whole banana boat bad, and it’s shot so close, you can almost catch the vapors from your couch.

Once the fellas come by, the action gets rougher, but more conventional, and we realize that the restraining bridle on Pamela’s pretty blonde face (she looks a bit like a cross between Belladonna and Bridgette Kerkove) doesn’t signify a fetish-heavy piss-a-thon, just the start of a symphony of guy-guy-guy-girl rough-play. This is “Euro-hardball,” not “Euro-hard-ball-gag,” so those of you with an aversion to the riding-crop-and-chicken-mask circuit will still have plenty to soil your shorts to here.

Whether it’s the sight of luscious Lucie’s studied librarian look being dashed upon the sharp rocks of cum-drenched juvenile delinquency, Trinity and her incendiary DPs, or Lucy Anne and her antiquated desire for two first-names, you can drop the DVD laser anywhere on this disc and expect to catch a thunderstorm of ball-busting fuck thunder. The bridle only serves to prove a point, and that point is, “hang on tight, I’m going deep, and I’m taking two of my closest friends with me.”

Euro Hardball: Come for the bridle, stay for the giddy-up.